16 Nov

Ultimate Guide to the Etiquette of Splitting a Check

Should you split the check? This question comes up a lot if you’re dining out regularly. It is an issue that can come up on dates, when you’re out with a boss or client or even when you’re out with friends. How should you handle this question when it arises? When is it appropriate to allow someone else to foot the bill and when should you insist on splitting the check? And how do you do this all gracefully? Here’s your ultimate guide to the etiquette that surrounds the splitting of a check.

Splitting the Bill on a Date

The most common scenario that causes this problem to arise is the date between a man and a woman. The rules of etiquette have changed a lot in this area over the past few decades and no one is quite sure what the proper rule is when it comes to who should pay on a date. Should it always be the man? Should it be the person who asked for the date in the first place? Should it be the person who earns more money? And how do these rules change when you are dealing with same sex relationships? The truth of the matter is that it’s a fine line to walk and you’ll have to create your own rules about the best ways to handle this situation in your dating life. Nevertheless, here are some general tips to follow for splitting the bill on a date:

• The man should typically pay for the first date. Despite all of the advances made in equalizing relationships over the years, most women still feel like the man should offer to pay for them on the first date out of courtesy and respect. This is true regardless of who makes more money or who asked the other person out on the date.

• The woman should offer to pay for her portion of the first date but the man shouldn’t accept. The generally accepted etiquette for the first date is that the woman should offer to pay and the man should say no thanks and the couple should leave it at that. You may disagree with this for various reasons but it’s still the widely-accepted first date practice for most new couples.

• The woman should offer to pick up a smaller tab on a cheap second date. The rule of etiquette that most people are following these days is that the second date could be something as simple as coffee which the woman can pay for. This allows her to pitch in without crossing those etiquette rules too uncomfortably. People have a lot of different beliefs about who should pay or how much it should matter. This option is a happy medium between a lot of those different beliefs.

• The topic should be discussed after a few dates. One of the most important things in relationships as far as money goes is communication. After a few dates, it’s appropriate to talk about the way to keep splitting up the check. You can each discuss how you feel about this and come to a conclusion that works for you. General etiquette is really varied as relationships continue. Some people believe the man should keep paying for both parties, others feel like they should split the checks evenly. A few thinks it’s appropriate for the woman to pay for more dates if she earns more money although this isn’t typically true. Determine what feels comfortable for you and be open to discussing it as relationships progress. (Check out our 100 tips for talking about money.)

• Same sex couples usually follow the you-asked-you-pay rule. Whoever requested the date is generally the one that pays for it. This may be different in cases where there is a large age difference or income gap between the two people (something that is potentially true with opposite-sex couples too). Proper etiquette here is to offer to pay your own way but accept the offer if the person who requested the date wants to pay for half of it.

• Ultimately, the major rule of etiquette to follow in regards to splitting the check on a date is to be polite without being pushy. Offer to pay. If the other person is insistent on paying for all or part of the date then don’t make it a big issue. Let the person pay if they’re being pushy rather than pushing them back about it. If their approach to the whole paying-on-a-date issue differs greatly from yours then it’s worth talking about if future dates are going to occur.

Splitting the Bill When you’re with the Boss

You go out to eat with the boss at his suggestion. Should he or she pay for the meal? In almost all cases, the boss will pay for the meal. This is typically a tax write-off for the business anyway. However, you shouldn’t assume that the boss is going to pay. You should make sure that you have enough money to cover your portion of the meal. It’s not necessary to offer to pay for your boss. It isn’t even necessary to offer to pay for yourself. It will be obvious when the check comes if the boss expects you to chip in at which point you can pay for your own part of the bill. There are two exceptions to this is if you and your co-workers are taking the boss out to celebrate his or her birthday or some other special event. In this case it is totally appropriate for you and the others to insist on paying the boss’s part of the bill. The other exception is if you’ve invited the boss out to lunch in order to discuss something like a raise request. Then it’s polite to offer to pay. However if the boss insists more than once that s/he will take care of it then the proper etiquette is to let the boss do what the boss wants to do.

Splitting the Bill When you’re with Clients

What about if you’re the boss? In other words what if you are taking clients (or potential clients) out to eat to discuss a business proposition? The proper etiquette here is to plan to pay for the meal. Bring enough money to pay for the entire check when it arrives. When the bill arrives, assume that you are going to pay for it. However, if the client insists on paying for his or her share of the bill then let them do so. The reason for this is that clients sometimes feel obligated to work with you if you’re paying for their meals and this feels uncomfortable to them. If you offer to pay and they say that they would prefer to pay for their part of the check then simply accept with a “thank you”. However, do not let the client pay for your part of the bill. That’s just bad form.

Splitting the Check with Friends and Family 

The people who we dine out with most often are probably our friends and family and yet these can be the toughest people to work out proper etiquette with when it comes to splitting the check. Here are some common scenarios that come up when dining out with friends and family and the proper etiquette to follow to deal with these issues:

• You take turns paying. One common situation is that you’ll pay for the meal or activity this time and the other person will pay the next time. This is fine if it works out fairly evenly. However, you may find yourself picking up their tab more often than not or you may find that they always buy more expensive items than you do so you’re spending more even if you’re paying only half of the time. There are two ways to deal with this. If your communication skills with this person are good then it’s proper etiquette just to discuss the issue and resolve it. If you’re not comfortable with that then you should suggest that you get separate checks each time that you go out. You can do this without being offensive by saying something like, “hey, I know it’s my turn to pay but money is tight right now and I only have enough cash for my part. I’ll pay for my part next time, too.” That should allow the shift to happen without any awkwardness.

• You each pay your own part but the other person has more expensive tastes than you do. You know how it goes; you want to grab lunch with a friend but you were thinking diner and she was thinking sushi bar. This is an awkward situation because you’re already splitting the check appropriately but you can’t afford to keep going out with this person. Again, communication is ideal here; let your friend know that you really value spending time with her but you can’t afford to do whatever it is that she suggested. Suggest an alternative activity that costs less money. If your friend doesn’t want to spend time with you at low-cost activities then you may want to ask yourself how much she really values spending time with you. Don’t be afraid to turn down invitations that don’t interest you and are too expensive for your tastes. True friends will want to spend time with you even if the check you’re splitting is a cheap one.

• You always pay. There are some people in your life that you find yourself always paying for. Younger siblings and certain friends tend to fall into this category. Most likely this is a pattern that was established years ago and one that neither of you has bothered to break. Getting out of that pattern can be uncomfortable but you can do it with ease if you try. Talking over the issue in a non-confrontational manner is the most appropriate way to deal with this issue. You can discuss why you feel like you need to start splitting the check when the two of you go out. If you can’t do that then start trying to find cheap or free activities that you can do together so that you can still enjoy seeing each other without spending so much money. If the other person suggests a more expensive activity, let them know that you just can’t afford it right now. They may offer to pick up the tab and you can say, “well I can pay for my half if you can cover yours”.

• The other person always pays. Sometimes we find ourselves in the opposite position where the other party never lets us pay and we feel a bit guilty. Parents who still pay when we go out with them even though we’re adults now are a great example of this. This becomes a particular problem as our parents get older and retire and may have less money but still feel obligated to pay. In this case, the proper etiquette is to have a discussion about the issue with your parents. Let them know that you appreciate all that they’ve paid for throughout the years and that you’d like a chance to pay for your part now when you go out together. If they insist on paying, let them. In this case the parent may just want to feel like they are still needed and proper etiquette means that you’ll let them pay to give them that feeling.

•You’re with a big group and someone isn’t paying their fair share. Ideally you should request separate checks when you go out with a large group. However some places won’t allow you to do that. Make sure that you pay your own portion of the bill including any tips or other fees. It is not your responsibility to pay for anyone else’s share. If the pot in the middle still keeps coming up short then it’s totally appropriate for a single person to calculate the exact amount that each individual owes. Give everyone’s money back, calculate the amount and take the correct portion from everyone again. It may seem rude but having everyone pay for what they purchased in a situation like this is totally appropriate.

If you are comfortable with the etiquette of splitting the check but you don’t know a lot about the math behind doing it properly then you might want to check out our other guide to splitting a check.

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